On Love

Have you, my dear friend ever been in love? Terrible, terrible feeling right? It opens up your chest and builds a nest inside of your poor soul, a nest that will start to grow thorns, as they grow bigger, the sharper they get. They start piercing you from the inside getting deeper and deeper, bitter and bitter. Yes, you will endure it, you will grow stronger in order to not lose the person that is growing thorns inside you, and then those thorns will start poisoning you, killing you slowly and at the same time making you even more dependent on your torturer. What exactly is controlling us, why do we do this to ourselves, dying little by little like this? What for in the end for another person who does not even care that their presence is killing us? Then again, why would they care, if you yourself are not carrying enough to save yourself? I do not know if we eventually do have a choice in staying or leaving, I do not know if we have a choice at all. What I do know is that love fulfilled me, yes I got hurt in the end, but it was worth it. What exactly made it worth it was the fact that I realized that for me it was possible to care about someone other than myself, to care for someone that I knew someday would not be there anymore, no matter how much I needed it. I know it sounds sick, but think about it, how rare is it to feel so deeply connected to another human soul without expecting anything in return, because just their presence brightens up your day? It is very rare, just like a fairytale right? Yes, exactly like a fairytale because that is exactly what we expect love to be, a fairytale. I am sorry to break it to you but it is not. Love is accepting each other, for whatever we are, it is embracing all the faults of the other person because no one is perfect and never will be. We came a long way till we met each other and that way was filled with thorns and broken glass and we were walking bare feet. We bleed enough, suffered enough and all we need and want is a piece of safe heaven where we will not be judged, will not be asked to change and become someone, something else. We are responsible for our own build-up, why do we keep trying to pass that responsibility on someone else? Well, I would say because we are not self-sufficient, we are not done yet building our self and when we find someone that “completes” us it looks like the peaceful heaven we have been looking for. That is, my friend the biggest illusion that will turn fast into a big delusion. This because no one else can fill the void that was inside of us, to begin with, they can only make them endurable for a little bit of borrowed time, but at some point, they will not make any sense anymore. Since we start depending so much on someone else, when the day arrives, and it will, that they leave, there will be a lot more of that emptiness that was already inside you. That will be a hit some of us will not recover, or find the will to do so. What makes us put so much faith in someone else? I think it is the fear of being alone, alone in the face of darkness and cold days ahead of us, but how can you expect someone else to fill the void and heal you up when you cannot do that for yourself? Why are we so afraid of being alone? That, in the end, is only our natural state of being, that is how we come to this world and that is how we will leave it, all alone. Maybe deep down we know this, we struggle to accept it and that is why as long as we are here, we try our hardest to fill our days with other people, believing that they will be able to make them just a little bit brighter. Believing that they will make them a little bit warmer, even though we know well enough that the only light and warmth that can fill our days can only be sourced from within us. In conclusion, is it love that breaks us? I think not, it is the delusion, the trust that fades away with yet another one leaving our lives to never return, yet another one that turned its back and left taking away another piece of us, yes, a piece that you gave away on your own free will. It is the big delusion in the face of the realization that we fell in love with the flowers, winter came and now only the bitter roots are there to love, but how can you love them roots when it was the flowers that you wanted at first place, how can you love those bitter thorny roots? What is left to do after this? Just destroy yourself to oblivion and then rebuild it from the beginning better and stronger, sufficient enough to not need anyone else, but to only want them there. That my friend is love according to me, seeing the roots and love them for that exactly, flowers will wither and die, roots will stay forever, love them.